still sad 10 years after divorce still sad 10 years after divorce

Why rock my boat. Espcially this: Then I feel the empty space profoundly not for a man I do not miss but where a family history of four ought to be. Yes, indeed. I wish everyone here the peace and happiness you deserve, and if the pain is still there, so be it ignore the platitudes (time is a healer. I initiated it. Thank you for finding those words. They say it takes a year per year that you were married to heal. Try to find joy in the fact that you have those feelings for her instead of focusing on the pain of losing her. Acceptance is the final stage of loss. I do not miss him, nor do I want him back, I feel like I served my time so to speak after 15 1/2 years of marriage. I will never finally get over it I suppose. I devoted my whole life to him and our 2 adult kids who blame me for everything and no longer speak with me but have welcome the child bride with open arms. Dreams are broken but lives have to go on. It is nice to know there are others out there besides me. My children are grown and many milestones are coming up. I know what youre going through. Might have been easier on me emotionally if he had died. Recognize this for what it is: A personal full-blown pity party. Ive remarried,but the grass is not greener over here.How I wish I could turn back time. There are tactics you can use the get passed the pain, I promise. Being the spouse left behind hurts tremendously. I went through the divorce process in a daze, devastated. I wish I could tell people it gets better but it does not when you miss the love of your life. And I can see now that my ex and I had probably wrung everything we could out of our marriage, so I try to be grateful for the opportunity to become my own person in a way I dont think I ever would have had he not ended things. There are several factors that may contribute to the sadness that is coming up for you post-divorce, including how tied your identity is to your ex-partner and whether you've allowed yourself to fully grieve. I will search for a gentler and more compassionate website. Along with the occasional look of, "Mhmm, sure.". I too get sad in these all too often moments Then I feel the empty space profoundly not for a man I do not miss but where a family history of four ought to be. Our youngest daughters future events such as marriage, graduations, etc., that we now have to be a part of as separate families, instead of being proud together and sharing that moment with each other, Im sitting alone glaring at my ex, reliving the whole scene of him walking out on me with a younger model going on vacations and living it up while I am barely getting 3 hours sleep a night. "@type": "Answer", but it still remained as vague and dusky as the smoke from my cigarettes. As in, you might finally be legally divorced. Worrying That Your Husband Isn't Really Sorry About The Affair Is A Common Reason For Being Stuck: As I said, I often see common themes or issues in wives who haven't been able to move on. A divorce can be painful for both people - start new . He and the new wife (yes I still call her that) have been married the same amount of time we were. 6 In addition to increased behavior problems, children may also experience more conflict with peers after a divorce. Sheila. Her mom has never recovered, neither have my daughter or myself for that matter. Meaning, if I could find someone to date, I would be all for it, but since I can'twell then, I say I just don't want to date. Im 10 years on 51 and theres a very deep profound sadnesshurt. I lost multiply job. Later she said no, I guess not and went on to a great life without nice. Many subsequent marriage proposals when younger but no remarriage. I wonder if my ex ever feels the way you do it would be a crumb of comfort but not anything remotely triumphant that he may be suffering. He aluded to not being happy This is not the life I wanted etc. Marriages are meant to be enjoyed, not endured. I have no support. it has been 5 years she is with no one and I am not eather . The dread and emptiness you feel after a breakup, is subtly acknowledged as in it's the subject of every great work of art known to man but publicly, it's not an acceptable reason to like, skip work or not be a functional human being. But I wish we never got divorced. You deserve to feel love and to love and be loved. Never have found out exact reason, except maybe money. I just do not what I am frightened of. A fractured. I am coming to terms with that but its hard. You need to get out of your head and into your life. I have my kids back in my life. God bless you! I do not want to be with my ex as he did some very bad things, but I mourn for the loss of our whole family as a unit and broken promises. I found those comments an insult to the (what I thought) was a good marriage of course we had our ups and downs and a loving partnership. Ray J and Princess Love are giving their marriage another shot. Median duration of first marriages that end in divorce: Males: 7.8 years Females: 7.9 years. I just found out today that the ex and his wife (my friend) have purchased property in a place where WE as a family would spend summers. I think it just fine to feel it even years later despite moving on in many respects. But the pain lingers under the surface always. I do hope this improves with time. For me, the pain will never go away. This also resonates with me. Best artical I have read on divorce. I have tried to console myself by saying, "leaving my ex was the most compassionate thing I could do since he deserved to be desired by someone". He appears to be very happy whilst me, not so much. I have had a similar situation. Give yourself time to heal and recover from the pains of being apart. Friends dont understand, and my only comfort is my faith in God and lots and lots of prayer. No anger but deep deep hurt. The process of divorce brings forth a torrent of pain, anger and cruelty, the detritus of which still hangs over me like a cloud. If you were married for ten years of longer, you will be eligible to collect derivative Social Security benefits based on your ex-spouse's earnings record when you reach retirement age (if you aren't married to someone else at the time . Im very happy to find this essay tonight, and the comments you have all left. Why are you holding onto it? I have done nothing but cried and act emotionally out of control since I received the summons out of nowhere. Sadness and happiness can coexist,but its not easy,not at all. Thank you for this. My marriage lasted 21 years, I was with her for 23 years. xo, Im so sorry to hear of your sadness. On the midst of the storm, He has given me peace. We have two daughters, one who has special needs that is 24/7 high acuity care, and Im angry. You might feel disconnected or sad, even if you wanted the relationship to end. He frankly pales in comparison but after all the lonely years and horrible men, I'm so grateful to have him. You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. 2019 Divorced Moms. But you have to stop punishing yourself and adding to the belief that you lost your one and only chance for true love. I have a great relationship now and am engaged. I am not happy but it still gives me joy to see my kids and grandkids and makes me smile. Today would have been our 48th wedding anniversary. But, it better be given deep and long thoughts the effects and consequences. I struggle through. Are you a parent who's separated divorced Or NEVER-MARRIED ? } His children have never been told his address and were informed of his second marriage after the event. Good article and I will add to it. It hurts badly, no matter how long. After 28 years, my husband wanted a life with a very younger woman and has subsequently erased his family. } Whether you're 32 years old or just 2, whether you're one-half of the once happily . But also: stronger relationships with their kids, finding peace, and settling into a new sense of normal that feels, well, okay. As such, it is essential to take up to 4 years to allow complete healing before you start dating. OUR 2 sons are young men now, but I find it difficult to move ahead with my life. Most likely, it is because the couples still have the pain of past marriage. Im deeply sad about the while situation and got the whole just get over it speech from my therapist this afternoon. This article really resonates with me. That includes old school values like honoring commitments, following through on responsibilities, working through issues rather than walking away. Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. Coparenting is tough. Its been a struggle and I have a lot of guilt/remorse/regret Im the one who initiated the divorce. Ive heard his stories regarding his mother and her husband. Village historic. My goals and dreams have suffered. After a happy 28-year marriage, we're getting a divorce. I never reached out to him for assistance. I didnt even know he was unhappy, he wrote me a love song a few weeks before he left; confusion. Its a terrible gnawing that can be pushed to the far back but doesnt seem to go away. Deep down, if she tried to come back, Id take her back. "@type": "Question", I do however, fear that my deep deep regret over leaving my husband and the associated guilt will eventually tear us apart. Will this date ever come without me noticing? No longer. Three weeks later we moved in-that was 13 years ago. Articles like this are good- to open the dialogue that sometimes the pain of divorce doesnt go away or that time heals but we learn somehow to live with it and live a happy life where we can. The descriptors are poignant and cathartic to say the least. So much collateral damage. Hang on there, you are so precious to God, and there is not one moment whatsoever that He has not been by your side, He will carry you thru this. Friends and families will help you overcome the pain of divorce 10 years later. I divorced the following year. We dont need another answer, do we? I thought it would finally bring an end to feeling trapped, unhappy and hopeless. Apparently I get a F grade in moving on.. During the first six months of separation, women are more prone to symptoms of depression, poor health, loneliness, work inefficiency, insomnia, memory difficulties, and increased substance abuse. Dont let years and years pass by and cling to the pain, hurt, and resentment. Theres no going back, only accepting what lies behind & making the best of what is left. You deserve to feel love and to love and be loved. 7 Cures to Move on From the Lingering Loneliness After Divorce These are the steps I took to provide an escape hatch from the intensity of the loneliness that I felt. I thought I was the only person who had these feelings as other people seem to move on so quickly. I dont see them as often as Id like but when I do I enjoy every moment. Oh, theres likely nothing so special about my story except perhaps how long it raged. Ive got friends I hardly hear from anymore. I hate to think I will live and hurt the rest of my life like this, I just love her !! It matters. I lost a 4 generations family farm, but more than that, I lost an entire life of working toward a financially secure retirement, raising 2 children together, and being so close to her family. Sad. It doesnt undo the bittersweet clarity that when I look into my sons faces, I see my dad (long deceased) and my exs mother (whom I once loved), both of whom are no longer in my life. }. I wished I had not been so trusting and in love 21 years ago. Wow. I am grateful that the man in my life sees my joy and hears my laughter; these are qualities in our life together that are our normal. (How great is that?) While on the other side of the coin, your post made me have a lot of sympathy for you. The days I dont see my son are brutally hard. I couldnt say more because this is the solution to becoming a happy person after grieving for over 10 years. The betrayal is devastating. "acceptedAnswer": { And the recent weddings for two of our sons? You may interpret my conclusions as bitterness or cynicism, more pronounced at moments and evaporating at others. I'm mad, yelling, and feel like I can't breathe. It becomes manageable, but thats about it. We had two teenagers a mortgage, a good life I thought. That was 5 years ago. Claiming benefits on your ex-spouse triggers what is known as a spousal benefit, which is worth a maximum of 50% of the retirement . Take care of yourself, try to make new friends, & live one day at a time. It is just there. The residual anger,. Youre still living in the past, ruminating on what should have been instead of focusing on what is and what will be. Did I handle things negatively, sure did. Intense anger may be the main reason most former spouses have no interest in. Within the last year, I ended my 20-year marriage after slowly coming to the realization that it was a codependent relationship. I identified with your feelings of sadness many years after divorce. One of the most critical elements to healing is to spend time with people who will cheer you up, show you about positive things outside your broken marriage and work towards your healing. As parents of a "broken home," my ex and I know in our hearts that we did as best as we could for as long as we could, but in the end, it didn't work. AlternativeDepressionTherapy.com 2005-2023. difficulty concentrating. You have summed up my sentiments towards my ex as if I had typed this out! My life was unraveling before my eyes. Couple years later, I still float back into hope and denial stages. Median duration of second marriages: Males: 7.3 years Females: 6.8 years. I think that is because i still have a relationship with my ex not with him but with my refusal to let go of him. I didn't know if I'd ever allow myself to fall in love again after my marriage ended but here I was. The main reason as to why this is experienced in the lives of people who have separated is because of the good memories that were shared while in marriage, the obstacles that they overcame make people still the hurt and especially if they have a challenge that needs a partner to step in and support. I cannot see me ever loving another man and would I find another at 62? I have not been able to get over my pre-divorce delusion that our marriage was solid, and that he loved me deeply. Better if you acknowledge the pain and express it openly instead of trying to deny it as if it doesnt exist at all." If you happen to go beyond such, then it will be presumed as the marriage was still in existence, and whatever abuse was there will always remain, and the pain of divorce at this point will never go away. We have 2 grown children now1 doing very well, the other still trying to find his way. My heart is breaking. It doesnt mean I want to be with my ex again, it doesnt mean I want to go back, it just means the pain of the loss of all of it is still there. I believe it's one of the fastest methods of emotional healing and transformation available today; You can learn to use tapping on your own, or see a therapist who uses meridian tapping.The aspects of "guilt" and "regret" should be at the top of the list of "tapping targets" to work on. Toughing it out. With both of us attending 2 of our childrens graduations, the sadness creeped up on me and has been lingering. And the Feelings Aren't What I Expected. Ive been alone for over 12 years, the pain has definitely lessened, but there are times it still hurts & always will. I had so many changes to adjust to. I still wonder why he left, although the reality was that he lived a double life with me! One very common one is feeling like your husband just isn't remorseful or sorry enough for the affair. But I really related to the authors comments about how many family traditions especially holiday celebrations have been irrevocably impacted. I am deeply saddened reading the pain others feel and the hurt by being on the receiving end of divorce. Therefore, it is essential to keep a distance and think positive about yourself. Symptoms of divorce-related depression can include any, or a combination of, the following: Sudden loss of interest in things you once enjoyed Loss of appetite Increase in appetite Weight loss or gain Difficulty sleeping Excessive irritability Rage Sudden insomnia Increased fatigue Difficulty focusing or concentrating Difficulty making decisions I used to pray (if you can consider chain smoking outside your apt. This article resonates every sentiment I feel. So.i take some comfort from the fact that others feel this way as well. But the pain never goes away . "text": "You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. the pain is there every day . I do not miss him or want him back, I miss the shared life that we once had and the family and shared traditions that still happen and carry on with the person he left me for. Kay I join you in getting a F grade in moving on. It is best if the communication was limited on business issues only, for example, if the ex-spouse has a role to play in bringing up the children, then allow the communication to be focused solely on the child support. Sorry, but I needed to share. But the empty presence has never gone for me I was 51 when he left and I have no trust to even think of a new partner. Now my one son and his fianc are choosing the dads side and have minimal contact with my older son, my husband and myself. crying spells. I have tried counselling, forgiveness, keeping very busy, yoga and meditation anything and everything recommended, but I cant let go and have a constant deep sadness. If we don't bounce back, that means the healing is. I worked on becoming a better person for 20 years. Time is supposed to heal us and all our wounds. Once you find that life without her can be as fulfilling and joyful as life with her, youll get unstuck and be able to let her go. I never imagined the heart would be in such conflict with the mind. We were together about 12 yrs all together, until I was 30. No, I have not found someone else, but I knew I needed to find myself first. Come discover on this free, award-winning website the two secrets 250,000 parents have used to save their money, make their own decisions, and create their better futures. Do those things! He sees them now as we live 5 minutes away. Add message Save Share Report Bookmark You may have realized this after ten years; there is no need to worry, accept and take the challenge and be assured that in a short while, and pain will be past tense. after 5 years the pain I think is worse . It echos my experience so far. Every former boyfriend has told me I am still in love with him. We are expected to be resilient after a major loss or major life event such as divorce. No tool and not even with time repairs. He was a longtime alcoholic, but quit (cold turkey) four or five years before he left. I wasnt perfect, but many people still scratch head wondering why all of this. Don't give up on yourself or your life for a mistake you think you made 10 years ago. Especially finding out about the other persons affair 2 years later and how it was happening for much longer. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. Im so glad to.have found this post and these comments. This is no doubt an essential tool directly after infidelity has occurred, but it may be even important in dealing with infidelity years later. This surely helped me, & Im grateful for the article and comments; 12 years after my husband left me, a week before Christmas, & moved on with another woman, as if wed never had a life of 25 years. In addition, research suggests people who experience a significant life event such as divorce are 2.5 to 9.4 times more likely to develop depression. It was so good to read something I have been feeling for over 15 years. Ive been divorced for 1 year and 3 months after a very messy separation and 17 year relationship. Hang in there, perhaps get a pet.mine have given me pleasure & a reason to keep going. So when I need to cry, I just let it out. I decided that we had no passion or at least I had little to none for him and I wasn't willing to work very hard on it. I love being reminded that we can carry both happy and sad. I do not want to feel this pain ever again. Somehow, I have ended up the bad-guy. The chances of you still loving your ex-husband or wife even after a divorce are high; you lived with this person and might even have thought it would work out for the rest of your lives. In the dream, I'm still married to my ex-husband; we are fighting and he's getting ready to move out. People will go to a bar t drink overnight to forget the pains in them. Shelia sorry to hear about your story. Mental health experts agree that divorce is comparable to the loss of a loved one, which makes sense given that you're suffering the loss of a marriage and all that goes with it. I thought I was going to be married for ever to the man I said my vows to through thick and thin, I never imagined it not lasting. You choose to leave now leave me alone. Through much pain and even more growth, Ive built a wonderful new life for myself, but I still grieve sometimes for what was lost. At the 10-year mark, by and large, the person who wanted the divorce is doing better than the one who didn`t want it. "name": "Is moving on after divorce hard? They touched upon painful feelings, paranoia, debt, and loss of friends. Im happily remarried, yet Im still sad 17 years later. Thank you for this article. At times one may not be the person who was intending to break the marriage, and if it came from your partner, then it becomes tough to overcome the grief, are you still in pain 10 years later? Grand children . fatigue. Divorce can be hard on children but, equally, so can watching parents fight and endure a loveless marriage "for the sake of the kids.".